Chapter III Verse V - She loves me not

This week I want to talk about women who manipulate guys that like them. They know they are never going to be intimate with the guy but still flirt and encourage.

Maybe she uses him for a ride, maybe to boost her self-esteem but she is using him. She accepts gifts, encourages devotion and teases. I don't think there is anything under the heavens more ambiguous, confusing or misleading than a woman's actions when she wants to keep you in the grey.

Every guy has suffered through trying to figure out a girl's feelings. This is hard enough for the male animal when the girl actually does like him. When she is messing with his head he has little hope. On one hand his brain is getting signals that the woman is not into him, on the other hand (the one he is using more and more because of said female's actions) the girl is sending signals as though she might/will/could be interested soon.

The switch from distant to inviting is easiest to see when a guy starts to move too far away. Maybe he realizes that this woman is playing him and says, 'Screw it. I'm not calling her no more." The girl, realizing he is starting to catch on, will do something just hot enough to keep him thinking he has a chance. She'll spend time with him, tease him with sex, play with him, touch him (just enough) making sure he knows that sex could happen at any second. But sex won't happen at any second. The guy will find that out the moment he goes too far. The girl will have to go or work or have her period or some other shit. Something will come up or change or stop the sex. And that something is the girl.
The only escape for our guy is to recognize the pattern. How does he do that? Stop being a punk. Yes rejection hurts. A lot. But being manipulated hurts a lot frickin' more. Seriously.

You want to know if a girl likes you? Ask her. Don't let her be vague. Tell her what you want. If you want to be lovers and she wants to be friends it's better that you both know. There is no shame in liking someone that does not like you. That's chemical. Get over it. That way you are not lying to yourself or confusing the kind of relationship you have. You know and she knows that you both want different things. That's important for a team of any size. You will be surprised how often a girl will open up to you and chase you when you are honest and direct. The same girl that did not want to be close to you when you were vague will often start to take an interest when you make your goals clear. Clear goals are masculine. Too many guys (and girls) would rather imagine feelings and situations than actually live them.

Does she like me? Ask her! What does she want from me? Ask her! Am I a friend or possible lover? Ask her! And don't let the answer drift into some vague bullshit. Either she thinks you are fuckable or not. Anything that sounds like: "I love you but not in that way," or "You are like a brother," or "I don't want to ruin what we have," only means one thing: I do NOT find you sexually attractive!

In closing, many of the girls I have known told me they just don't know how to say, "It aint gonna happen". Work on it!!!!!!!!!! Send an email, write a text. Say clearly, "we are not going to have sex no matter what you do". Say it every time he hits on you, every time he asks. A guy who finds you attractive will probably always want to have sex with you. If you don't keep telling him 'No' he will start getting hopeful.
The second note is that some guys don't take the hint. Guys, please pay some more attention to the girls. If she aint trying to spend time with you, if she does not listen to you, if she does not seek you out, chances are she is not into you. But don't take my word for it, ASK!

- Dsus Pays

Chapter III Verse III - Waiting-for 'No'

This week I offer a small piece of a large topic – the interaction between Males and Females. This small part is what I’m going to call the Wait-for-‘No’ factor. The idea is that when you are trying to figure out whether it’s the right time to touch, kiss, hug, cuddle, whatever, wait until you hear ‘No’. Most importantly, do not wait for yes.

This applies to both genders but with most of the action starting with the guys, this is likely to be a more important tool for them. Still, understanding this waiting-for-‘No’ reasoning is useful to both genders.

A lot of guys like to wait to hear ‘Yes’ from a girl. They don’t want to be pushy; they want to show you that they care. Of course sometimes they just want to convince you of these things so that you will sleep with them but hey, people lie, watch out.

In the case of the average guy, however, his motives are good, I salute him. Respect our women; they are the Mother of Creation, Hail Empress! The funny thing is, a lot of times this guy doesn’t know what form his much-anticipated yes will come in. He is often barely asking the girl anything in the first place. Sometimes our innocent lady wishes the guy would get a clue and just do it already.

So if you are waiting to hear yes from a girl think about this: What do most guys and girls call a girl who likes sex? A slut. Oh yeah, girls can like sex with their husbands, quietly. They are permitted to enjoy it a little with one or two long-term boyfriends. But how many of us know a man that wants to marry a virgin? And even a confident, sexually assertive Bahamian woman does not advertise the number of partners she has had. That would not be’ ladylike’. She is a prize after all.

A woman can’t say yes because then the responsibility is shared. She does not want any of the responsibility for the sex, that’s your problem. She might be down for the sex. If the two of you are alone she has probably planned the moment more than you realize but the responsibility is yours. Of course that’s fine with you, isn’t it? You want the sex. You don’t mind being the one who wanted sex, who overwhelmed her normally bullet-proof defenses with your charm and your tenderness, right? No, of course not, this is sex we are talking about.

So if she is alone with you and has not told you to leave or to stop, then keep going. If you have not started anything, then start. If she says ‘No’ then stop what she said no to. When she wants you to back off she will make it clear. Listen.

Another important part of the challenges we face in our interactions is that many of us guys make sure the women around us know that we value their sex and little else. We don’t listen to women’s ideas, needs or wants, except when they lead to, or are about sex. Many men cannot name a woman they admire (not including ‘mummy’). They can’t name a woman they would want to be like or name a female quality they respect. If you ask a woman the same questions about men they can do it fairly easily. Sad.

In ways like this, sex becomes more of a commodity than a shared experience. But the waiting-for-'No' approach can clear away some of the grey area between the two. It works when you are asking for phone numbers as well as sex. Small steps, right?


- Dsus Pays