[01.11] - Apropos of Nothing

I’m bad at doing nothing.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not bigging up some imaginary, mad productivity skills. I’m talking about simple relaxation and rest, and how I can’t seem to get it.

I, like many of you, excel in squandering time. I can whittle away a half-hour on Facebook in a flash. TV? With the advent of online episodes, an hour killed is like nothing. I won’t even get into MSN and YouTube.
When it comes to simple downtime where I’m not baking, texting, and e-stalking acquaintances on Google, it’s just not my forte.

Don’t lie; you’re guilty of it too. I’ve seen the midnight postings on forums; I’ve gotten the emails at 2am. I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to switch off, and that’s too bad. Try meditating for two minutes. I guarantee before 20 seconds are up, you’ll be thinking about someone you have to call back, or what you should make for dinner.

Secret: I try, at times, to cheat my way into an unwind. I lock myself in the bathroom and fill the tub, far from the computer (my distraction of choice), with the phone out of reach and no books at hand...
Guess what usually happens?

Yep. The itis sets in.
Obviously, I need to be getting more sleep—the ultimate fulfilment of the do-nothing doctrine. More than that, though, I believe it’s a sign that I simply don’t know how to be inert.

Maybe part of my inability—and yours—to sit still and give body and mind a break is due to cultural constraints. I’ve heard plenty about how the devil finds work for idle hands. I’ve been warned about the dangers of meditation; it leaves, apparently, the mind open to Evil Forces.
I’m starting to suspect that part of my inability to shut up, shut off, and shut down is due to a need to take in more. I don’t like to watch one show on the computer. I like to watch two or three in my downtime. I’m greedy.

There are, too, I suspect, more malevolent reasons.
The human mind can be a scary thing to face, especially when it’s your own. When I go out, I keep my mp3 player handy to drown out the sound of other people who are talking too loud on their cell phones or, simply, talking crap I just don’t want to hear. When I stay in, it’s appealing to slip into a task that will keep me busy so I don’t have to spend time with my own worries, doubts, and fears.

That’s a shame, since quiet time is as calming for grown folks as it is for overexcited children. Silence makes room for ideas to pop up long enough to be noticed and recorded, and conscious inertia is a wonderful way to refresh and recharge.

So I vote we ditch the demands, the sundry pastimes and time-fillers. Pause the videos, stop the songs. Say ‘screw work, I’m taking five’ (maybe say it sweeter when you tell your boss).
Then try it—even for a few moments. Trust me, whatever distractions and amusements you’re excusing yourself from will be waiting patiently when you return.

— ja**ly

[01.08] - How To Rant

I’m sure we all like to be upbeat, but there come days when life vexes and you need to get something off your chest. It happens. Is it okay?

Yes. Now, I recognize the need to rant responsibly. We all know those people who turn every flower into an allergy, every sunny day into sweltering heat, rainy day into a flood, and raise into a chance to spend more money on bills.

We also know the anti-sad squad. Its members use the word ‘positive’ with the same trite overzealousness and meaningless frequency that some congregations use ‘amen’. Did your rottweiler pup just trot under the garbage truck’s wheels? Think of the cash you’ll save on neutering. Turn that frown upside down—its carcass is feeding that hungry crow! Oh, the circle of life!

Most of us, I suspect, fall into a healthy middle-ground. Before venting, consider these things to increase the chances that you’ll actually get through your complaint and you won’t find yourself chatting to a concrete wall for want of actual human beings to tolerate those bad days.

1. What do you want?

Do you want advice or do you just want someone to shut up and listen?

I hate to say it, but as a woman, I find guys are not always effective listeners in times of rant. Guys you are dating are worse. I’ve had too many conversations that go something like this:

me: X really pissed me off.
guy: Really? What happened?
me: (whines for five minutes)
guy: Aren’t you being a little hard on X? Have you looked at things from their perspective?
me: Whose side are you on anyway?
guy: I’m just trying to help.

Really, it was my fault for not clarifying that what I wanted was to rant, not to get help. These days, I either hand my potential listener a prepared script to follow, or precede my complaint with a disclaimer: “I do not need or want a solution. Here is your Ipod. Please nod at 30-second intervals to simulate attention and interest.”

2. Know your audience

Complain to the right person about the right thing. There are people who will neither understand what you’re complaining about, nor care.

This is particularly important with gender-specific body matters. I’m not suggesting we return to the days when the word ‘uterus’ could clear a room of testosterone in under two seconds. I am suggesting that if you want someone to listen, and care, sometimes your chances are higher if you talk to someone with the same bits.

That’s right, women. Men (mostly) do not care if you have cramps. Correction: they’re sorry you’ve got ’em, but largely because they have to hear about it.

Also, practice basic tact. If you’ve got a really bad cold, your terminally ill friend may not be the best person to complain to. If you accidentally knocked your girlfriend up, your impotent buddy may not offer the sincere sympathy you seek.

3. Rant unto others...

We all have that one person who always shows up with loud lamentations when their drama kicks in, but when you’ve got stuff going on, they don’t answer on msn, their cell’s low on minutes, and they’ve got to reorganize that wayward sock drawer. Don’t be that friend. It’s bad karma, and it sucks.

And just as ranting should go both ways, so should the information you share. Those long-suffering souls who hear the details of your bad days? When things are going well, don’t forget to share the good news. They deserve to hear it.


- ja**ly