Chapter I Verse III - Our Father, who's not in traffic

Creator of Heaven and Earth,

On my journey through this perilous landscape called New Providence, protect me from badly aimed sprinklers, running potcakes and flashy motorcyclists.
Lead me far from popping bicycles, basketballs and wayward peanut sellers.
Deliver me from people who drive recklessly and without love.
Keep me far from those who wait motionless as I approach the corner only to pull out at the last second and drive really slowly; may they not encourage murderous thoughts in your humble servant.

Guide me safely through broken traffic lights, unmarked pot-holes, last-second warnings of Men-at-Work, ditches and detours.
Protect me from tractors, trailers, semis, overloaded dump-trucks and vehicles with boats and jet skis attached.
If I must be behind a garbage truck, let the wind blow from behind and let the road be wide so that overtaking comes easily.
Grant me your selfless understanding as your bountiful rain falls on my newly polished vehicle and mud desecrates a once-reflective finish.
When my AC is not working, please keep my windows from being too foggy in the downpour.
If my friends must eat in my wheeled chariot, may their food be mild in smell and dry in texture and may they spill not.
Help pedestrians to understand that while I want to stop for them I cannot force a line of ten cars to a split-second halt because they run into the street like a blind, three-legged donkey.
Help my fellow Bahamians to understand that we all have important places to go and that bad habits like creating third lanes and driving through parking lots slows everyone down.
Keep me from the path of the prison bus and its maniacal, self-important police outriders with their blaring horns and sirens.

Give me the foresight to avoid funerals, weddings, marches, proms and roadblocks before it is too late to turn off.
If people must stare at an accident or road spectacle, let them park and watch instead of drive and gaze.
Help those with smoky vehicles to have them repaired and if music must be loud, let it be some culture or positive vibes.

I know that I am undeserving of your mercy God and so I say, surely, let Thy will be done. But if I can’t get any help with the above could I perhaps have a 20 mm, hydraulically-driven, six-barreled, air-cooled, electrically-fired Gatling-style cannon mounted on my hood? I promise to aim carefully.


-Dsus Pays